Attended my first Kirtan concert saturday night, wide open, glowy with nearly palpable love in the air, I moved to the back of the room (staging to go), and was hit by a wave of negative energy from a woman who suddenly came close.

It felt like an assault, I don’t know how else to say it. She stole my happy. It was instant and painful and I felt stunned.

Out the door, I put my hand on my chest and did self Reiki, feeling my heart pound as if under attack… totally knocked off kilter, and felt bruised all through the next day.

I realize this: I have been broken open before, and my instinct was to slam shut in self protection. I spent years closed, scared of loving, scared of showing love, scared of the pain that loving can bring.

I realize this: In learning to be and allowing myself to be more open, there is a risk, yes. How to be open safely? Permeable and open to connection, but aware and protective…. a balance that is learned, at least by me, by doing.

I realize this: I did not slam shut. I did not close off in response, but sat, open and aching.

And this, my loves, THIS is progress.

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5 thoughts on “open/closed

  1. This is beautiful. I recognize both of those moments — both in carrying the negative and in trying to live with an open heart — and they seem related to me. I think it’s when my own heart slams shut — through fear, mostly — that allows the negativity in — if I don’t honor the fear, don’t honor myself really, in some way — thanks for this today. It’s what I needed to read. I’m been following your words — so often just a place to breathe, a refreshing gust of wind, a truth. Thank you.



    1. I love your brave comment, Pam, thank you so much– so and very glad to hear that my post resonated. I think there is such intense importance, soul level, in honoring fear. Because it, like all emotions, carries a message. xo to you too.


  2. in a recent thread on our local mom’s yahoo group, someone asked how to help her daughter deal with a harsh, critical, comment about her pretty new shoes that came from another little girl in kindergarten. another mom suggested teaching her to say this: Don’t yuck my yum!

    Obviously you wouldn’t say that out loud to a stranger at kirtan, but wouldn’t it be kind of fun to say it inside your head?


  3. Hardly a day passes in my current environment when I won’t be able to look someone directly in the face and say: “Don’t yuck my yum!” For me, it takes very little ‘yuck’ to turn my ‘yum’ into rancid goat cheese. Thanks.

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