Attended my first Kirtan concert saturday night, wide open, glowy with nearly palpable love in the air, I moved to the back of the room (staging to go), and was hit by a wave of negative energy from a woman who suddenly came close.
It felt like an assault, I don’t know how else to say it. She stole my happy. It was instant and painful and I felt stunned.
Out the door, I put my hand on my chest and did self Reiki, feeling my heart pound as if under attack… totally knocked off kilter, and felt bruised all through the next day.
I realize this: I have been broken open before, and my instinct was to slam shut in self protection. I spent years closed, scared of loving, scared of showing love, scared of the pain that loving can bring.
I realize this: In learning to be and allowing myself to be more open, there is a risk, yes. How to be open safely? Permeable and open to connection, but aware and protective…. a balance that is learned, at least by me, by doing.
I realize this: I did not slam shut. I did not close off in response, but sat, open and aching.
And this, my loves, THIS is progress.