watching my 2 and a half year old in the midst of a tantrum
i find myself imagining the immediacy of such emotional experience
to allow myself to be taken over by emotion is one of my biggest fears
and yet, there she is, full on, fully expressing, fully experiencing, and then
the clouds part
sun streams in
there is a true peace.
she is done with the storm, really done.
I watch myself, careful, holding on, holding back, navigating away from this discomfort, or that discomfort, holding my face still, and wonder what it would be like to live so fully, so immediately, so intensely, without the fear of never surfacing, with a body faith so certain that everything is temporary that it is just the truth like breath
I said it on FB and I’ll say it again … I love this contrast in response to emotion and energy. Although I held my emotions in check as a kid I eventually learned to let go. The moment was not only freeing but joyful.
I envy the full-on expression of emotions. I lived the first 40 years of my life in a very objective, cool and emotionless way. After enough family traumas for a lifetime I began counseling and became aware of the possibility of expressing my emotions. 20 years later and almost as many years of intense work I was doing better. A marriage counselor suggested that I rein in my emotional outbursts. My reply: No, definitely not. I’ve spent 20 years and tens of thousands of dollars to arrive at the point where you can suggest that I rein them in and simply no. Get used to my outbursts, there’s no malice only expression with intensity – get used to it. I’m not her father yelling criticisms at her. We’re still married and doing much better.