so I realized I am choosing to complicate my life

setting deadlines

rushing towards shoulds of my own making

feeling increasingly sporadically frantic, like I am not going to make it on time, when, it’s true, I am just simply not.

so here’s the big question: so what?

I never asked myself, so what? or else what? then what?

the answers are the answers. so, it remains undone. incomplete. yes and yes. but in some ways this journey will always be undone, incomplete

and no setting of stone, no hole, no release of things from shelves into boxes into ground will create some sort of magical doneness, completeness

as with all transitions, there is often solace in fiction– the familiar fiction that things will be better when __________

that fiction makes intolerable things tolerable because it gives the idea of an endpoint, a turning point, a dependency that is at least potentially achievable

but that fiction can also create a blindness to what is happening right now. and up until right now, I was driving myself crazy. so I am choosing to stop.

habits of being can really suck rocks. I am much more familiar with flail and flux than I am with stillness, waiting, openness, receptivity…

so I will choose a middle way, a nod to my need for motion, a nod for my need for stillness:

I imagine a porch swing– motion, yes, but around a still point, an anchor

it is effortless to imagine solace in the simple rhythm of forward and back, and time will pass, because it does, and if I am lucky, fireflies will come.


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2 thoughts on “flux

  1. So here is an interesting thought — you might get lucky and have fireflies, but perhaps it not all about luck. It would seem is possible to make your yard more attractive to fireflies. For example (from eHow):

    1) Eliminate chemicals in your yard. Fireflies do not like the smell of many chemicals and will avoid any potentially harmful odors.
    2) Reduce light in and around your lawn and garden. Extra lights will interfere with the fireflies light signals, so turn them off. Every time a firefly lights up, he is signaling to another firefly. Create an environment in which those signals are easy to see.
    3) Leave an area of high grass or shrubbery. Male fireflies fly. Female fireflies will rest on tall pieces of grass or other shrubbery. If there is high grass and a lot of shrubbery, you’ll see more fireflies.
    4) Welcome slugs and snails. Fireflies love to feast on them.
    5) Be patient. Fireflies start showing up at the beginning of spring, but will increase as the summer progresses. They tend to mate in late summer when the weather is warmest.

    And the most interesting thing of all is that (for the most part) these do not require any “doing” but mostly just “not doing” familiar things that might be unhelpful. I hope some these spark ideas in you that can make your time in the swing ever more comforting and filled with wonder.

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