signs: breakdown ahead

I think there is something to this process, of dismantling, of needing to come to a full halt and reconsider

it is as if it is a necessary part of the journey

the impasse

the moment when you realize you cannot go back, but are not ready (do not have all you need) to go forward.

last night brought my first ever full on full blown anxiety attack, and I was forced to face that no, I cannot do everything. And, in some ways, I cannot do anything, not yet, not right now.

last evening’s delicious moment in my fabulous fictitious porch swing actually brought me a deep sense of peace.

a sense of peace that was totally impossible to imagine at 1am, 2am,3am… heart racing, adrenaline pouring like an open faucet, absolute panic. none of my many tools made any difference at all, no spirit guide or yogic breathing or visualization or singing or rocking or anything could break the spell. time stretched eternally. i finally slept an hour.

today I am treating myself carefully, tears are near the surface, a really profound fatigue from lack of sleep, intense living, and all of the emotional excavation of recent months and weeks and days…

It makes me want to say: Stop.

you go on ahead, I’ll wait here a bit.

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3 thoughts on “signs: breakdown ahead

  1. Been there many times; hated it for me; hate it even more for you. Sharing the distress from afar geographically, but up close and giving you a hug emotionally. xoxoPa

  2. Those who care about you might rather wait patiently, quietly with you rather than going on ahead. Let them …

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