Did I skip a day? a day spent in vigilance after a night of half hourly barfing by my little one? after a night of no sleep at all?

yes, apparently, I did.

so today feels better but the vigilance is now mine, any bodily sensation, however tiny, is scrutinized for evidence of impending doom.

so I am on guard, busy, tired, and waiting to feel fine.

maybe tomorrow, maybe after more sleep, maybe after more time.

today I made myself look while out walking (our first short walk) and saw cardinals playing in the hedgerow and down in the grass.

saw fuzzy stems and beetle eaten leaves.

saw clouds.

In this time of heat, I’ve closed in with curtains drawn, fans on, tuning out the very things that help me feel connected and grounded and nourished.

In this time of barfy sickness, I’ve closed in another way too– pulled my tentacles inward, and am on internal alert.


Here’s to surfacing, slowly, gently, mindfully.

I miss being present more widely.

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