today is a day for me to own the fact that i feel sad. it is an anniversary day for the country, yes, undeniably, unthinkably tragic.
it is also an anniversary day for me, of my first marriage.
it is impossible now to imagine that innocence, that un-jaded hope. it is impossible now to imagine so much of the life that unfolded, the personal tragedy that occurred. my dreams are more real to me, even the crazy ones.
we cannot always choose what our lives hold, our experiences, our interactions, tragedies and wild successes. sage guides tell us we manifest our realities. i can tell you: i did not choose this tragedy. sage guides tell us we can choose our responses, and i say this: yes, maybe we can learn to– we can certainly learn to choose some. change some. be aware of some. but in that heartbeat between memory and response, is that really a moment of choosing?
maybe yes, for some more evolved than i am
but for me, it is my first response that calls the question.
in this heartbeat, and this one, and this one, with my own heavy sadness today… i can choose to be otherwise. i can choose to divert and distract, avoid and veer. i am an expert in every one of those tactics. but instead, for once, i am choosing to say, yes, i feel sad. i am choosing to feel it, and not push it down.
i feel my sadness like a stone in my throat.
like a deep throbbing ache in my head and my heart.
it feels like weight in my thighs, and a call toward stillness and sleep.
it feels like energy sapped out.
it feels raw and numb
numb and raw
i can also tell you what it does not feel like: it does not feel like an old familiar friend.
yes i feel sad, but i do live in sadness. i do not personify it. i will not personify it. i will not create a lifestyle around it, a religion, a manifesto, or a calling. i will not cultivate it. i will not push it out in front of me like a shield, or use it as an excuse for who i am, what i say, what i do. my loss, my experience, is a piece of a whole big tapestry that is still being woven.
it does not blind me to beauty. or to hope. or to innocence.
i would be lying if i said it is not sitting like a rock in my throat.
like a deep ache in my heart.