bravery anyway

I was thinking today about how usually when I am trying something new that is somewhat public, it is not when I am at my most confident, my most pumped up, my most energized, but when I am in time of crisis, transition, or other crossroads that has left me feeling depleted, undermined, unsteady and uncertain.

Soon after the onset of the Big Job Erosion of 2010, I was rather desperately looking for direction, inspiration and, really, work- and I really wanted to do something different. I had some ideas, but they were new and unformed, untested… but they also were ideas that felt like the right direction. But, each time I had an opportunity to talk about my ideas, I sounded unsure, inarticulate, and a bit beaten. I was scared and I sounded that way. My confidence was shaken. I knew that I would be entering into situations or fields that were new to me after being an expert in something for many years… and I was really fearful of failure, and that shook in my voice every conversation I had. And as such, the responses I got were uncertain and unenergized too.

Looking back, and, I suppose, looking ahead, I wonder, what if I had been able (superhuman and impossible) to enter into those same conversations with the energy and delight of a new opportunity and the exploration of new ideas? What would it be like to try something new from a position of power?

It is always easier to feel brave when I’m feeling strong. This is probably common. So, I wonder– how can I, how can we, create an environment for bravery when we are not feeling quite so strong?

***

I took a break from this blog entry to get off my proverbial butt and write an email that was scary. I think sometimes that it takes a running start for me, a retracing of other things like it, or outcomes that could have been different if I had put different energy into making that come true. Finally, something clicks into place and I just act as if I am brave (ish).

I often joke about my own process. It usually looks like this:

Avoid

avoid

avoid

avoid

distract

avoid

feel disconsolate

avoid

eat something naughty

and then after repeating the pattern over some period of time

run at it (whatever the it is that I’ve been avoiding) roaring with my arms waving.

So– how do you do it? How do you create an environment for bravery when you are not feeling quite so strong? Do you fake it? Remember past successes? Tell yourself the worst that could happen? Balance regret?  Channel someone strong? Sugar up and run at it and then sit breathless and sweaty and in a weird stew of elation and panic?