Emotional amnesia

I am guilty sometimes of a sort of emotional amnesia- I let my stress and uncertainty sort of sweep me away, and I get caught up in being caught up.  I forget the tools I’ve learned, and I spend time swirling around feeling overwhelmed, as if I am in a state of not knowing what to do.  It feels very convincing. And in those moments, I truly do not remember all that I know.  I am not sure what changes, what makes me remember that I know something, some things, many things that help ground me, bring me back to my self, help me recalibrate/reconnect.

The end of this week was such an energetic swirl. A birthday I was feeling oddly about, a high-visibility/high stakes but totally accidental work screw-up, the ongoing conflict I’ve created with competing work schedules and prioritizations… it was too much, much too much, and I started my usual pattern of responding to overwhelmedness by feeling like crap, depleted and uncertain What To Do, and wanting to lie in bed with the covers pulled up.

But somehow, I was smart enough to give myself permission to paint.

And I was lucky enough to remember to reach out to people who truly get me, and whose very presence reminds me to breathe and gather, calm down…

And I was lucky to have a ridiculously well timed first meeting with the pilates goddess.

Let me say this about pilates: you cannot space out, you cannot let your mind race about other things, you cannot obsess about work, you cannot beat yourself up, you cannot get competitive, you cannot be self-depricating; the only things you can be are mindful, present, focused, detail oriented, and minutely self correcting moment by moment.  It is about control, stability, precision. It is impossible to flail while doing pilates.  And for me, in this moment, it is perfect.

It also kicked my ass.

I am sore today (holy moly) in muscles deep in my belly I did not even know were there.  I feel smiley when I move and can feel them. It is as if somehow I stumbled on the exact thing I needed.

Folks who subscribe to energetic attraction will say there is no accident here.  I say I am lucky regardless.

So, did making connections, painting, and pliates goddessing change anything? On the one hand, No.  I am the age I am. Work is still complex.  I still feel decidedly uncomfortable about my screw-up. But also Yes. It changes everything. Suddenly I see/feel/realize I have choices, allies, options, tools, things that work, things that help, things that ground me, create stability, security, self-compassion.  I am no longer simply stuck.

I know next time will probably be the same, I will feel very stuck before I start to remember what I already know. But I hope as I go along that the lag becomes shorter and shorter and shorter between the forgetting and the remembering.